If there was one thing you wished you had in your character, what would it be? For me, the ability to express feelings, because I don’t have that. At least ‘less smart’ in expressing it. Why do I wish it was in me? Because there are so many forms of activity — which I like — that rely on the ability to express feelings. One of them is writing, I’m not very good at writing but I know very well that this one activity brings me a lot of benefits. One of them is liberating myself, mentally. For the reason that I’m not smart enough to express my feelings, I often write by relying on ‘logic of the mind.’ That’s why even though I want to, I seem to be less talented at writing fiction.
There is little debate, between relying on feelings or logic. Because both are sourced from the same organ of our body, the brain. Yep, maybe all this time we think that feelings are in the heart — though it is only symbolic — because of the fact, feelings are also processed in the brain. (You will find a lot of scientific explanations by searching on google). So the point is to think using feelings and logic, both are processed in the brain. The difference is more in the way. If thinking using feelings, it is more of a thinking process that is influenced by emotions that arise from a condition. While thinking using logic, refers more to the thinking process that is influenced by things that are rational and measurable from a condition.
What does this have to do with PDKT? (In English PDKT means: an approach to get to know each other to someone we crush on). Look, I can’t just focus on what I’m feeling right away, I have to say some logic first. Although PDKT’s diction — in Indonesia — has a romantic feel, this narrative does not have that nuance at all, does it?
In the last few years, I’ve been trying to get to know myself. It started with envy and insecurity where I felt that people my age were already at the phase of committing to themselves, which in my opinion is one level above loving ourselves. It’s just ‘I guess,’ but for me, seeing other people as better than ourselves — as long as it’s not too much — is a good thing. One of them, we are motivated to upgrade ourselves, which does not mean to be the same as other people but rather to be ‘equal’ to the person we thought was better.
Kind of thinking, “other people can get to that point, then me too.” Despite that, it’s different from toxic envy. Envy can be said to be good if it makes us focus on ourselves, on things that can upgrade us. Meanwhile, toxic envy makes us focus on other people. It makes us don’t like seeing other people succeed, other people happy. We just want to us only to be successful, only we can be happy. If we haven’t been successful and it’s hard to be happy, then other people can’t be successful and shouldn’t be happy either. No... No... No... It’s not like that, it’s not like that!
Back to about committing to ourselves. In my opinion, it's like there are phases in PDKT or the process to unite with ourselves. First, start liking and admiring ourselves. Second, get to know more. Third, self-accepting. Fourth, loving ourselves. And fifth, that commitment. Yep, it’s the same as the PDKT process that we usually go through when we have a crush on someone, in the hope that we can get to the level of commitment one day.
Sadly I’m still at the phase of knowing myself. Previously I spent more time just living this life, with myself as the ‘vehicle’ without trying to understand at all. But it’s okay, no matter what phase we stand in, I believe that everyone has their own time in the process.
So the story is that when I was still at the liking phase, I think it was already at the love phase. I feel like I’m an expert in self-love, while actually, it’s still puppy love. Blind love arises from mere materialist desires. What does that mean? It’s the same as when we crush on someone, what do we see when we first like someone? It’s certainly not far from what looks like his or her physique, appearance, charisma, strengths, and everything that makes us amazed. When behind it all, everyone must have a side that is more or less not easy to accept or difficult to understand.
So are we. When we enter the phase of getting to know ourselves more deeply, then we know, “Oh, it turned out like this, oh, it turned out that way.” The phase where we can even feel bad with ourselves, feeling “why am I like this?” or denial “ah no way, no way I’m like that.” Until we finally learn "why are we like this?" or “why are we like that?”
The first thing I learned from myself was ‘I’m not like most girls in this one thing: making decisions.' Many articles or discussions say that women tend to make decisions based on their feelings. When I, tend to use logic in this matter and it is proven from a test that I did to identify the structure of my brain, and the results said that 59.73% of my mindset were dominantly influenced by logic, especially in decision making.
It explained a lot of things that were going on inside of me, and to be honest, at first I felt it was cool to think more logically than feeling until I found out that it wasn’t easy for me. I tend to suppress my feelings because it’s not easy to talk about them and it’s often frustrating. Whether I feel angry, disappointed, sad or proud, happy and in love, I tend to have a hard time expressing and showing it. Although I wanted to say it so bad.
Although I managed to express it. I often express it incorrectly.
The advantage is that I am not easily dictated by my feelings. It’s easy for me to fight my own feelings when they lead me to something bad, even though those feelings lead me to something good as well. I wish I wasn’t like that at the time I knew it wasn’t very good, but then I realized I can’t be perfect, can I?
On the other side, I find myself as someone who likes freedom even though I know that on the way to get to it I often feel trapped. Every time I wake up I think “What do I want to do today?” Instead of thinking “What am I supposed to do today?” I live my life based on desire, sense of freedom, sense of choice which is make me — actually — enjoy playing expectations and then threw it both from myself and others. Despite that, I’m also frustrated because I have frustrated other people over my character who can only do what I want.
I know what most people think about characters like this. “Unmanageable,” “tends to be rebellious,” “tends to be diffident,” “tends to be a messy person,” “can’t be committed,” or “too liberal-minded person.” People tend to judge me that way in a negative view. If they want to listen to me, they will at least notice that it’s not that bad, if something can offer me freedom even though it doesn’t seem like freedom, I will take it.
For example religion, I believe in the religion I believe in because I see it from the point of view that this religion gives me mental freedom which makes me peaceful in living life, which reduces anxiety in me, helps manage time (5 times pray in a day), and many other things that essentially make me feel better and more enjoyable in life. Whereas for the principle of freedom in general, religion is considered far from freedom and tends to be very strict. But I don’t see it from that point of view.
As well as in other things, in relationships, in careers, in other life goals. I live a life based on freedom, but not the ‘freedom’ that many people assume. Although it’s also not a perfect or ideal ‘freedom’, because if it were perfect I would not be human.
In a book entitled “Better than Before” by Gretchen Rubin, there is a section that explains the various human tendencies in forming habits of daily living. After reading and testing it on the website (https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com). I found myself having tendencies as a Rebel and that answered a lot of things in me as well.
Knowing that, helped me a lot. One of them is in the quarter-life crisis phase where everyone my age is confused about the purpose of life and life itself. I also felt the same way, until finally, I thought to start by studying myself. For me, humans are like very sophisticated machines, but often we don’t know how to operate them. We try to copy other people’s ways of life that we think are successful but in the end, we still don’t succeed by copying them, because as humans we are indeed the same as those ‘sophisticated machines’, but at the same time we are also different, in terms of specifications and operation. We are the same and unique at the same time.
That’s where I started the self-identification phase, which I felt I had to start from the phase of liking and admiring myself. That’s where enthusiasm arises so that the process doesn’t feel boring because several phases need to be passed and each phase has its own challenges.
Then I think the time I start to write this is the time I start to stand in the next phase, that is accepting myself. — Sadly — I still have a long way to go. Luckily for you who are already at the phase of successfully loving yourself have even committed to it, congratulations! For those of us who are at any phase, we are also very lucky because we have succeeded in building awareness to know ourselves better.
We all are fighting together, aren’t we?
