I think this will be short writing. Not because I ran out of ideas or didn’t know what to write, but because there was so much I wanted to say that I didn’t know where to start and how to talk about it. Talking about grief is talking about deepest feelings, which as I said in a previous article that one of my biggest weaknesses is to talk about feelings. Let alone the deepest feelings, the feelings that appear on the surface are not easy for me to talk about.
I’m grieving. A few months ago my father passed away suddenly, raising questions and deep sadness for me and the rest of the family. The only thing that comforts me is remembering how my father was last seen after he breathed his last. My father looked very good at that time, even looking a few years younger than when I last saw him still in good health. It was as if a great burden had been lifted from my father. There is a look of relief on his face, which proves that this world is actually a prison, and each of us is just waiting for the time to be released. Either to be judged or to be saved. My father is free, and Insha Allah is included in the group of people who are safe and in peace right now.
Remembering that, I realized that I’m grieving for myself, who was left behind by one of the parents whose devotion I often didn’t admit. It hurts to realize that I wasn’t good enough as a daughter. I who rarely regret something that has passed had to face a very big and bitter regret. That for the rest of my time on this earth, I would never see him again even if it was just to kiss his hand and say goodbye.
On the day my father went away, all I could do was cry and say “I don’t want to, I don’t want to!” I don’t want my father to die, at least not yet. Everything was too sudden. On that day, almost everyone who — I know meant well — said that I should not cry, I should not be sad, that I must be strong and let him go. Then at the time, I wanted so badly to scream “Tell me, how do I do that?”
That’s also the most rational reason for me to feel better to just keep my feelings hidden. Because in an event that any sane human being would be sad, let me say the incident again that “my father died suddenly,” then I was asked not to be sad? What kind of request is that?
To this day, it means that 6 months and 15 days have passed since my father passed away and I am forged to be ‘strong’ and an expert in suppressing feelings. I know maybe what most people mean is not literally “don’t be sad” but more to “control well” your sadness. Either I’m being overly sensitive or indeed the strong definition for most people is to be a heartless robot, but I think most people who say that don’t want to try to understand at all.
I feel unheard and not understood when these days I need it the most. I memorized the sentence that came to me when I tried to tell the story, “It’s not just you who lost their father. Many suffer more than you, stop it, don’t exaggerate!” When I am sad and suffering, I do not claim that I am the one who is the saddest and suffering in the world. I’m just sad and feeling miserable, that’s all. “Knowing there are millions of people who are sad and suffering more than us, doesn’t make us feel any better,” I forget who said this but I thank him/her so much for being so representative of feelings that don’t know what’s wrong, often being judged.
I just feel like lately, I tend to be a mess, a lot of emotions are present without me knowing exactly why. I can suddenly hate anyone, I can suddenly destroy things in my room first just to be relieved, I entertain myself with things I’ve never done before such as dye and cutting my hair by myself, change my appearance. I hope that by looking good, my feelings will also be good. Even so, that doesn’t explain what I’m going through. All I know is, there is a great feeling of anger inside me, collaborating with a sense of loss, disappointment, and frustration in trying to find a way out.
Until finally I got tired and gave up. I don’t know is it in a good way or a bad way. The day I’m writing this I’m physically unwell, maybe the result of emotional exhaustion that lasts a long time. Even so, my mentality has tended to be stable, I hope it will continue to be stable. I want to stand on my feet again and regain my strength. I want to get my life back by accepting all of the things that I’ve been through.
That’s it.
Al-Fatihah for papa, I hope my apologies and longing greetings have reached him.
“Truly, to Allah, we belong, and truly to Him, we shall return.”
